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18 December 2008 @ 09:41 am
don't kill yourself to raise the dead; you'll end up joining them::..  
I wish I had kept by goddamned mouth shut. But I can't do that can I, or my whole passive-aggressive nature wouldn't be what it is.
Everyone knows that I didn't want to come home. When Jess left, I was more lonely than I had ever felt, plus I knew I would be going home to more guilt trips and worthlessness and "wow Lin, you've changed" but not necessarily for the better.
So I come home for the weekend then split to Athens with Sofia for three days. I stay home just long enough for everyone to not get on each other's nerves quite yet.
Dad didn't want me to go to Athens. Insert guilt trip number one here. That leaves me wondering through Athens with it hanging over the back of my head day and night, feeling bad because I'm worried I've screwed up some non-existent plans of theirs (because they both work until five or six every day anyway...)and that mom has to put up with dad's bitchiness while I'm gone.
I try really hard yesterday on our way home to make sure to inform them I'm going to be a little late, and I let mom know that I have her stupid fourth twilight book sitting right next to me. I also let her know that I've already eaten so that they won't have to wait for me, and I get a text back saying "I made your favorite turkey chili and you're not going to eat with us?".
Oh. Insert guilt trip two here.
That's when the tears start. Sofia manages to quell them for the time being, at least until we get to her house, but my eyes begin prickling as I climb into my car and head home.
I finally get back, tired and depressed. The first thing my mom asks me as soon as I get in the door:
"Do you have my book?"
I realize suddenly that I've left it in Sofia's car because I took it out of my bag to get something else. I explain this.
"You're not going to set foot inside this door until I have my book."
So I grab my bag and leave, slamming the door behind me.
I shouldn't have been driving, as numb as I was. But I did, the 20-25 minutes back to Sofia's house, where I grab the book and start heading back. Back in town I parked my car in one of the parks and sat and cried, even though the tears had been flowing freely since I slammed my front door leaving. A police car passed by and I eventually left. I could barely see the road between the stupid drizzle and my own tears.
It is here, in my mindless drive home that several options run through my head. I want to go home and throw the book in my mom's general direction, slam the door, and run to my room. I want to call Sofia or Alyssa and see if I can just chill at their place, but they both have family and I couldn't bring myself to impose. I wanted to call Eva and talk to her about it because she of all people would understand what I'm feeling; but she wasn't there to just hold me and tell me it was okay, which I needed even more than comforting words at that point.
Then, I needed to call Jason. I wanted more than anything to have someone who would hold me and not ask any questions until I was ready to volunteer answers.
I did none of these things, but drove home instead.
I manage to get back home and I sit in my car and wait for one of them to realize I'm out there.
It takes a good 30 minutes before mom comes out.
She asks me what's wrong, and I just shove her piece of shitty literature at her and attempt to close the door again.
Completely oblivious, she asks what's wrong again.
That's when everything comes pouring out and two seconds after I had finished my hysterical sobbing I realized I should have kept my mouth shut.
I told her how I loved them but I hated coming home, but I still did because otherwise I felt guilty for disappearing like Eva did and I wasn't going to do that to mom especially.
That's what I tried to say. My mind wasn't exactly working at that point.
Then I realize just how stupid and selfish I'm being by hurting her like this and it just starts all over.

When I've kinda calmed down, we head back inside. I grab my mini-suitcase and head to my room. I manage to get to my bed without killing myself (for all the crap piled on my floor) and ditch my jeans to curl up under my heated blanket.
A new wave of sobs.
When those have subsided, I reach over and turn my electric blanket up because my legs are bare and the sheets are cold. Mom comes in and tells me good night, and that she loves me more than anything. I sniffle, and wait until she's gone to get up and go hunt down my anti-anxiety pills. I'm not supposed to take them before I go to bed because they'll give you crazy ass dreams or not let you sleep. I take one anyway because anything is better than the horrific guilt that won't get out of my head.
I go back to bed.
I sleep on and off all night.

I wake up this morning, tired. I can't stop regretting what I said. My eyes were crusted over with sleep. Max was on my bed, and I curled up to him for a little while.

At 12, I'm going to go mail christmas presents and eat lunch with mom.
I can't forgive this.
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Current Location: home.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Kevin Devine- "You'll Only End Up Joining Them"
 
 
 
Jessicasmittenginger on December 18th, 2008 06:30 pm (UTC)
*hug* It's ok hun. You've changed a lot, and if you like the way you've change, then you've changed for the better. I think your mom is scared because you're growing up on your own and don't rely on her as much. My mom explained this phenomenon to me recently. But it's ok. I think you just need to tell her everything that you've felt in a calmer situation. Just sit her down and explain it to her. Just talk. I'm sure you guys can iron some things out.

*hugsqueeze* I miss you, honey. We'll be back home soon.