I was monumentously lonely the other night. Everyone was gone when I got back from dinner with Patricia and Becca, and while I thoroughly appriciated their support, I wasn't going to suck up all their time.
So instead I went back to my room, curled up in my moon chair and watched the TV menu channel scroll over and over.
I couldn't sleep again for the lonliness. It scared me that I could be so desperate. It was a strange, hollow feeling in the middle of my chest.
I eventually side-tracked myself from thinking about it by coming up with creative ways to wrap and send Jess' present and managed to somehow fall asleep.
I drove home today, and I saw Sofia. I'll go so long without seeing her, then as soon as I do I remember just how much I adore her and it's all I can do not to curl up in a ball and cry.
Everything has been about tears, these past couple days. I cried for lonliness without Jess, for apprehension over that goddamned math exam. I cry for love, for when Fifi drags me into the dressing room at Nordstrom Rack and gushes about wonderful new music. I anticiapte crying in frustration, because I can't be with my parents for an hour before we're already dodging some touchy subject because someone said something wrong.
I cried last night for my fear of the real world.
I wish there was a drug to make me think less.
It might help me be not quite as terrified of the real world.
It might help me be on better terms with my parents, who I love, and want to be able to talk to.
It might help me sleep peacefully, without tossing and turning and twisting and talking.
If only, if only
The woodpecker sighs
the bark on the trees was as soft as the skies
as the wolf waits below
hungry and lonely
and cries to the moon,
If only, if only.
Tonight was a night of moons. I was driving back from Sofia's when I come over a hill on McEver Road to be greeted by the clearest, most massive moon I have ever seen. It was gorgeous and yellow-ish red, and the face looked into the sky with an awed sadness. It was huge, and it made me gasp. It was some sort of epic beacon of hope, I wish.
Hey moon, please forget to fall down.
Hey moon, don't you go down...
Current Music: Panic at the Disco-- "Northern Downpour"