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14 December 2008 @ 05:53 pm

This is why I hate Christians.
I could never associate myself in any way with these STUPID, CLOSE MINDED, BIASED HYPOCRITES.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: "Here Comes the End Again"--Eyeshine
13 December 2008 @ 10:42 pm
I just got a friend request on facebook from some guy named Brad Whitfield. Do I know who he is? Nope. We have two mutual friends, but they're two people I barely know. Like, they were at the GHS, but that's the extent of it. He comments on my photo, something to the effect of how adorable I am, and then on my Panic at the Disco album about how much he loves them too.
And he's not bad looking: emo haircut, lip ring (*heart eyes*) and just genuinely pretty features. His profile says he went to Chestatee and graduated '09, and that he's interested in men.
That was a shot to the gut. Kinda threw me off, but whatev. We'll see.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: "You Spin Me Round"-Youthquake, "Beat it"- FOB version
I was monumentously lonely the other night. Everyone was gone when I got back from dinner with Patricia and Becca, and while I thoroughly appriciated their support, I wasn't going to suck up all their time.
So instead I went back to my room, curled up in my moon chair and watched the TV menu channel scroll over and over.
I couldn't sleep again for the lonliness. It scared me that I could be so desperate. It was a strange, hollow feeling in the middle of my chest.
I eventually side-tracked myself from thinking about it by coming up with creative ways to wrap and send Jess' present and managed to somehow fall asleep.

I drove home today, and I saw Sofia. I'll go so long without seeing her, then as soon as I do I remember just how much I adore her and it's all I can do not to curl up in a ball and cry.

Everything has been about tears, these past couple days. I cried for lonliness without Jess, for apprehension over that goddamned math exam. I cry for love, for when Fifi drags me into the dressing room at Nordstrom Rack and gushes about wonderful new music. I anticiapte crying in frustration, because I can't be with my parents for an hour before we're already dodging some touchy subject because someone said something wrong.
I cried last night for my fear of the real world.
I wish there was a drug to make me think less.
It might help me be not quite as terrified of the real world.
It might help me be on better terms with my parents, who I love, and want to be able to talk to.
It might help me sleep peacefully, without tossing and turning and twisting and talking.

If only, if only
The woodpecker sighs
the bark on the trees was as soft as the skies
as the wolf waits below
hungry and lonely
and cries to the moon,
If only, if only.

Tonight was a night of moons. I was driving back from Sofia's when I come over a hill on McEver Road to be greeted by the clearest, most massive moon I have ever seen. It was gorgeous and yellow-ish red, and the face looked into the sky with an awed sadness. It was huge, and it made me gasp. It was some sort of epic beacon of hope, I wish.

Hey moon, please forget to fall down.
Hey moon, don't you go down...

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: Panic at the Disco-- "Northern Downpour"
11 December 2008 @ 02:38 pm
Wouldn't it be awkward if that "Goes on Clear!" deoderant actually made you invisible?
Current Mood: boredbored
09 December 2008 @ 02:31 pm
Spike and Angel, President Roslin and Gaius Baltar, Harry and Hermione—shippers often find pairings that the original author might have overlooked. What coupling of fictional characters would you most like to see?
Let's make a list:

Sesshoumaru/ Inuyasha
Cheshire Cat/Alice
Cpt. Jack/Will
OTV (One True Village: Naruto) XD
Hitachiin twins (OHSHC)

35 total. That's including the One True Village, which is a couple hundred pairings in and of itself. And not even starting on the Bandom pairings....*evil smile*


Current Location: Bell 210
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
08 December 2008 @ 07:23 pm
Everyone says they're not going to Midnight Breakfast, so I'm wondering if I can find enough destraction to sufficiently pull myself out of this strange stupor of a mood that's clearing my head of all thoughts. It's one of those blank moods, where I'm teetering peralously on the edge between peacefully cool with everything and depressed and happy and angry all at once. This happens a lot, but usually I find myself in a cloudy state of mind, where something has to pull me out. Now, it's just quiet and clear.
Like I said, teetering on the edge. Let there be a ravine on one end, where the unhappy things are just darkness, not particularly sinister because you've been in the darkness before and have come out fine but it's not necessicarily somewhere you want to go again. You are barefoot because you can feel the cold biting at your toes and the back of your neck and it keeps you from getting caught up in the thoughts in your head. You curl your toes around the rocky edge of the ledge. A few little pieces cruble off and fall. You don't turn around but you know that behind you waits the comforting warmth of long arms holding you close. You want to close your eyes and be enveloped in another's heartbeat. It's comforting, but just out of reach.
So you stay there, on your cliff. You're used to the sky being obstructed by clouds, but tonight as you stare out over everything that's ghosting its way around your head you notice the sky is clear and the stars are twinkling and the moon is a perfect crescent.
You want to curl up in that crescent, not quite content and not quite restless, and try to not think about everything for a moment.
Current Location: Bell, 210
Current Mood: melancholystrange
Current Music: Hey Mercades- "Unorchestrated"
08 December 2008 @ 12:05 pm
It's been six days since my last post, but there isn't really anything worth saying.

We went bowling last night, "we" being Jess, Bobby, Justin and I. It was nice to do something other than sit in the dark watching a movie; Justin provided most of the entertainment as Jess and I drank mountain dew from Sour Punch straws. I went picture happy with her camera and it was nice to have friends for a while even if two of them will be gone in a couple months. It's weird to think I won't ever see them again.

I hate how I start writing but have nothing to say.
Current Location: Bell, 210
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: TAI..."Winter Passing"
01 December 2008 @ 01:50 pm
I think it should be considered sad how I'll only post on my LJ when I'm exteremely upset or have something else I'm pressed to do and am procrastinating doing.
*shy smile*
I should be writing my crap-essay on Chuck Palahniuk tonight so I don't have to worry about it tomorrow, but yeah. It's three pages of royal BS, but it's something on my to-do list that I don't want to be doing so instead I'm going to blog about how FREAKING cold it is outside because of the wind chill and how NPR's All Songs Considered blog/podcast is the most awesomest thing ever.
This is sad; I don't actually have anything to say, although I'm sure I did, but I've forgotten it.
Again. Already.
Current Location: Bell, 210
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: "Another Way to Die"- Quantum of Solace soundtrack (Jack White & Alicia Keys)
28 November 2008 @ 10:22 pm
I spent all day dismantling my room--it's astounding and horrifying how much shit I managed to accumulate over the years. Trash, most of it. Like, just stuff I never threw away. Bags of trash in my closets (because I have two) and clothes everywhere from years and years ago. But that was my day, mostly. I never got to see the new James Bond with dad--after the episode this morning, and my not talking to him for the rest of the day, I don't think either of us were in the mood. Mum and I might go see Australia tomorrow because we both want to see Hugh Jackman on a horse.
I got to see Sofia again tonight, and though it wasn't particularly eventful I enjoyed it immensly because it got me out of the house and away from my parents. I met her friend Naomi, who was very cool and nice. I liked her a lot. There was also some creeper that decided our conversation was humerous enough to but in on and so he just kinda sat there and listened, interjecting every so often. I had my first taste of Pop Rocks and got rained on.
I managed to forget that I was completely lost in life, and I know that I always have Fifi to fall back on if I get loster than I can fix.
I guess for now I'll just keep plugging away.
I have nothing better to do.
Tags: ,
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: groggygroggy
Current Music: "My Friend John", "Tell Me a Lie"- The Fratellis
28 November 2008 @ 11:41 am
It started in the shower this morning, because I always think in the shower like I'm narrorating a Chuck Palanhuik book.
My family went to the Dillard House for thanksgiving. I regretted not having a camera, because the scenery was beautiful and there were some moments when Mum and I found black walnuts that I wish I could post here. Dad had invited his tennis buddy, Dr. Nish, who had in turn invited practically the whole family. I will repeat again that I don't like smaller children, especially ones I don't know, so being stuck directly across from both of them staring at me the whole time made me more than awkward. Dr. Nish's wife's mother was there too, and I don't think she approved of me. She was looking at me strangely the whole meal and I just stared awkwardly back.
And then we came home and all I want to do is go back to Millyville. I wake up this morning to my parents arguing about how 'Creative Writing isn't a marketable degree and she needs to do something more useful'. So instead of listening to them I went and got in the shower and washed my hair and thought about how incredibly useless my life is turning out to be. I have my make believe ideals, but since when have they ever come true? What's the point of dreaming if it'll never materialize? I had it in my head come senior year of high school that I was going to go to Full Sail and complete those stenuious two years to be shot out into the workfield, making a hundred thousand dollars a year or more just starting off. I would be doing graphic design for the elite companies, for advertising agencies and record labels. I should be designing the movie posters you see outside the movie theatre. That's who I should be. I should be living in my own apartment, thinking, "Oh my god I'm a whole semester through my two-year program to becoming a perfessional somebody."
And now I'm becoming a professional nobody who slacked in high school and has a non-existant resume, and who's school is pathetically small and who has no motivation for a future.
Even if I had gone to Oglethorpe, I would have been in the center of Atlanta and could be interning somewhere or doing something.
I'm poor and lazy and useless.
I got out of the shower today and put on my Full Sail t-shirt so that when ever I look in the mirror I can remind myself of exactly what I'm missing out on.

I hate coming home.

Pull the blindfold down
So your eyes can't see
Now run as fast as you can
Through this field of trees.

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: "Smokers Outside the Hospital Door"- Editors